Something in Common (for boldygoing )

[juststeverogers]

Steve's had a quiet set of holidays with his Pokemon in his small Nexus apartment but with the New Year over and done with things are picking up again. He's resumed his house hunting with gusto, spurred on by some advice he'd received from fellow denizens during the Yule party he attended nearly a month ago now.

Today, however, Steve's got the apartment cleared and training equipment set up again. Bucky's laid claim to the couch. It's too cold lately for him to get outside and stretch his wings as much as he'd like. Ethel's drug her bed over next to the couch to keep the braviary company. Only Sarah's overly active, running arouns Steve's feet in circles. Are they going to go running? IS he going to do inside training? Both?! Who knows?!

She positively jumps at the knock at the door.

"Grow grow grow!!!" OH BOY are there friends over? Steve. Steve! There's someone at the door!

"I heard it, already!" Steve laughs as he pulls the door open. "Hey there."

Comments

[juststeverogers]

Steve does his best to make his shower and clean up quick, as he doesn't want to leave Jim all of the work of setting up their lunch. As soon as he comes out in another pair of work out pants and teeshirt he's running a hand through messy damp hair before he heads to the kitchen again to divy up the soup and salads into bowls for them. He'll leave the sandwiches to Jim and soon enough there's a healthy no-meat lunch spread all ready to go for them both.

As he had before, Steve's careful to only take as much as he serves Jim before he pulls one of the stools around to the other side of the kitchen counter so he and Jim can sit opposite each other and have more room. With the mons on the couch it's really the only option for dining.

"I hope this is alright. I'm still learning how to cook."

[boldygoing]

All the exercise has definitely made him work up an appetite, and once Steve is seated too, Jim doesn't hesitate to dig in. The soup is hot and well-seasoned, the cheese sandwiches are the right kind of melty, and salad is really hard to fuck up beyond reason. "Tastes fine to me," Jim says, dunking a corner of his sandwich in his bowl of soup. And yeah, he'd say that anyway even if it wasn't true, but it is this time.

A little weird that Steve's plate is only as full as Jim's, though. Didn't he say his metabolism was higher or something like that? Maybe he's planning on having seconds. There's definitely enough for that, or for leftovers. "Do you cook for the pokemon too? Or is it one of those can't-have-human-food kinda things?"

[juststeverogers]

There's just a little bit of a kick to the soup to make it a bit more special, and it goes really well with whatever kind of cheese Steve used for the sandwiches. The salad's a little bit plain but traditionally spinach salads have bacon in the dressing and crumbled inside and Steve obviously left all of that out so it's just the hard boiled eggs, onions, and spinach with a mustard vinaigrette.

"Glad to know I'm improving then." Steve gives a soft chuckle as he tucks into his meal with the same amount of gusto as Jim had. He's starving. Can't help the pleased noise he makes either when he bites into the grilled cheese.

"Some stuff I make for them, but they have pretty specific diets. I want to make sure they eat well so people food is basically only for special occasions. They can eat most fruits though so I tend to keep a lot on hand."

[boldygoing]

Jim likes a bit of spice in his life, so the soup definitely meets with his approval. Definitely better than just straight boring tomato. He makes steady progress while he listens to Steve talk, making mental notes on the intel he's getting. Human food discouraged, got it. No sneaking Sarah bits off his plate if she gives him the sad puppy eyes, then. Not that she's been any less than perfectly well-behaved, but damn, if that ever comes up it's gonna be tough to resist.

"Did you ever have pets, before them?" he asks curiously. "I hung out with Hermione's cat for a couple weeks but that's about it for me."

[juststeverogers]

Steve shakes his head but is careful not to reply until he's not got his mouth full of food. He doesn't want to be rude, after all, no matter how strong the urge is to focus on clearing his plate quickly. Some habits are difficult to break.

"We couldn't afford to feed ourselves, let alone a pet. We found an injured dog in Germany during the war and nursed it back to health once. That's the closest I ever got to a pet before these three stumbled into my life. And I probably couldn't even keep them if Adia and Harrow didn't help me look after them when duty calls. It helps that they're as smart as they are, they understand when I talk to them."

[boldygoing]

Jim knows all too well what it's like to be on call like that, to know that he might have to drop what he's doing at a moment's notice and report in, no matter what he was in the middle of. He nods in understanding, one corner of his mouth quirking up in a smile. "Lucky them. They've got a good thing going here."

In some cultures it may be considered polite not to entirely clear your plate, but Jim clearly doesn't follow that custom, using the last bite of his sandwich to soak up the last of the soup. There's nothing left of the salad once he's done with it either, down to just traces of the vinaigrette. If Steve's still looking for reassurance about the quality of his cooking, he's more than welcome to take that as an endorsement.

[juststeverogers]

"They'll have an even better time once I'm moved into my new house so they've got some more room to move. I'll make sure to get you the address once I've got everything settled in so we can keep meeting like this and working out. It's a real treat to have a friend in this kinda thing again."

Steve shoots Jim a grin as he moves to clear both of their completely empty dishes from the countertop.

"Did you get enough to eat? I didn't make extra salad, but there's more soup left and I can easily throw together a few more sandwiches if you're not quite recharged yet." Steve doesn't need to raise his voice to be heard the two steps it takes to get to his tiny sink while he starts rinsing out the salad bowls to clean properly later.

[boldygoing]

After a couple of months to work on getting his head on straight - well, straighter, anyway - Jim doesn't instantly leap at the offer of more, his hunger sated for the moment. None of what's left will go to waste if he doesn't help eat it, either, and if he changes his mind later it's not like Steve seems likely to deny him. The guy's a good host.

Wait, Steve's not done, is he? He's sure acting like he's done. Jim frowns, a little uneasy, his subconscious picking up on something in the way Steve is behaving. "Yeah, did you?"

[juststeverogers]

Definitely not. There's more than enough leftovers there to suggest Steve likes to make enough for meals to come. Though truthfully there's rarely any leftovers left when he's finished. He just doesn't tend to eat in front of other people all that much.

Steve grew up always hungry because there wasn't any money to get a full meal. Even when he and Bucky moved in together there were many nights they went hungry or Steve lied about having eaten to make sure Bucky got enough to eat. He was the one with the steady job, he was the one who needed the strength to get through a day's work. Getting a new body had only made things worse. War rations meant even when he was performing for the shows with the USO girls there still wasn't a lot of food to go around. The actual front lines were even more scarce and the gnawing pain used to make Steve sick while he lay awake in his tent.

The Commandos figured it out eventually and used to save part of their rations for Steve whenever they could but he was so ashamed to have to take them. Only Bucky would ever be able to talk him down, smacking him on the back of the head and calling him an idiot for not taking care of himself properly. He should have noticed then, how only Bucky was able to keep up with him. Who shared the same hungry nights Steve did. He'd been too late to stop them from experimenting on his friend even by the time they rescued him.

Steve's used to going hungry. Used to all too often not getting enough to eat. When Jim leaves, Steve will finish the food he's made here. It'll be enough to hold him over until supper when he can go see Nana at the diner and tell her all about his attempts at making her recipes for a friend. It's easy to put things away when he reminds himself he can finish it later even as his stomach twists.

The question catches him so off guard he nearly spins on the spot to look back at Jim. He doesn't want to lie, but he can't exactly pretend like he didn't hear the question.

"Don't worry about it." Steve settles on instead. A non answer given with a ghost of a smile.

[boldygoing]

That's not a yes. It's pretty explicitly not a yes, and the yellow alert going off in Jim's head agrees; how can he not worry about something like that? This is Steve's place and there's plenty of food, why would he choose to be hungry? It makes no sense, and there's no way Jim can go on like everything's normal if Steve hasn't had enough.

Don't worry about it? He can't do anything but.

He manages to keep most of the alarm out of his voice when he responds. "I'm not in a hurry. We've got plenty of time." Is it a manners thing? Some cultural quirk that's been lost in the centuries separating their timelines? Or maybe there's something worse, the kind of questions that Jim would be a hypocrite to expect answers to, and he just doesn't know.

[juststeverogers]

The push makes Steve's jaw tic visibly and he sucks in a deep breath then before finishing up on his rinsing out of the dishes. The thing is, he can't exactly blame Jim and if their situations were reversed he absolutely would be concerned. But this isn't the sort of thing he's talked about to many people before.

"It's...I don't like to eat in front of other people, is all." This time when Steve looks up, it's with a much more reserved expression. He likes Jim and trusts Jim, and it's not like Jim's seen him before to understand why he's so uncomfortable. "I've mentioned it before but I...didn't always used to look like this. Or live in a very prosperous time in American history. There was never enough to go around and I went hungry a lot of days. Coming here and getting a decent meal daily was just..unreal."

But despite the hesitance and discomfort, Steve's putting together a cold turkey and cheese sandwich out of the leftover ingredients for himself.

"It's hard to move past two decades worth of instilled frugality to properly feed myself now. It feels...wasteful. Even though I know it's not. It's especially hard when I'm with people who knew me before."

[boldygoing]

Oh fuck. To say that Steve's story is relatable is a hell of an understatement. Jim's expression freezes a moment, his face paling a shade or two, even before Steve gets to the heart of the matter, the wastefulness he feels and the bullshit mind games that never stop no matter how much you try to rationalize it away.

Seeing that the other man is making himself another sandwich anyway is a small comfort, part of the anxious knot in his chest loosening, despite a whole new type of agitation taking hold. He can't talk about his own reasons. He can't. Even Hunter doesn't know it all, more than the basics of what happened, more than he should know. But he also can't just... sit here like a statue and let Steve think that he's alone. Not when his own neuroses are playing a part here, too.

No specifics. No names. People, places, nothing. Jim crosses his arms over his chest, uneasy but set on saying something. "I've gone without, before. Seen others... others too. Had to eat when I could." The less said about that, the better. It's been long enough, now, that he can shove those thoughts aside, force them to the background, well aware that they're going to come back with a vengeance the next time he closes his eyes at night. But James T. Kirk is nothing if not stubborn, and he continues, not making eye contact. The sooner he gets this over with, the sooner he can stop. "I have a... hard time, having food and not eating it. Or watching other people."

[juststeverogers]

"I thought I was doing good with it, until I got here. It wasn't really an issue with..."

Living on his own. Working with other abnormal people with similar needs as his. He had a place to belong, back in his world. The Accords took all of that away so now Steve lives here. Safest place to be, an entire half a dimension away from home. But the people here don't look at him and see Steve Rogers. They wonder what happened to the scrawny guy they used to call their friend.

Steve hasn't had to deal with that before in the years since he woke up.

"I see people who knew me when they could pick me up one handed." Steve stops talking then and takes a couple minutes to eat the sandwich he's made. Doing his best to be quick, efficient. Not to keep Jim waiting or staring at him. It's easier around the captain. He's only known Steve since he's come back. Jim isn't looking at him and wondering what happened to the man he used to know. "The way they look at me sometimes I dunno how to describe it. The eating thing was just one more thing that made it clear I was Different now. Easiest thing to fake."

[boldygoing]

Jim has never known Steve to be any different, and even though he's heard mention of it, it's still a hell of a thing to try to get his head around. Trying to picture Steve as anything other than the perfect specimen of humanity that he is now... well, it's hard, to say the least.

But the rest... yeah, he thinks he gets it. Enough of it, anyway. "Makes sense." He doesn't try to tell Steve that he's being irrational, or that he's got nothing to worry about, or that he's got to eat regardless of what other people think of him. Steve already knows all that shit. Knows how conscious, rational reasoning through the whole thing doesn't matter one bit against years of ingrained habit and anxiety.

After all, knowing that he can get something to eat whenever he wants, however much he wants, has never stopped Jim from hoarding food in every home he's ever known, no matter how temporary. It's never stopped him from completely clearing his plate at every meal, no matter whether he hates whatever's for dinner. Reason didn't get him there in the first place, and it sure as hell can't get him out of it again. Why waste words arguing otherwise when he knows all too well how little that will actually do here?

He's not quite looking at Steve - hadn't been, even before he'd mentioned the staring thing, this topic being one of Jim's least favorites to start with. But knowing that now, he definitely doesn't look up until that sandwich is gone, loathe to do anything - no matter how minor - to discourage Steve from eating his fill.

[juststeverogers]

Steve finishes up the dishes after he'd had the sandwich and drops the dishcloth over the edge of the sink as soon as he's done.

"Come on." Jerking his head back toward the rest of the apartment and leading Jim back over to the corner. He stops at the coffee table though and picks up a leather bound notebook and pulls out a photograph that's tucked into the binding, handing it over to Jim. In for a penny, in for a pound. At least this way Jim will understand.

"That was me, before."

[boldygoing]

The man in the photo is so drastically different than the Steve that Jim knows, that he has to stare at it for a long moment before even he recognizes what he's looking at. The face is the same, if a bit thinner. Something in the way he holds himself, too. But the rest... it's like looking at somebody's baby pictures, except the 'baby' is a fully grown adult who's built like a twig.

It's a hell of a lot easier to understand why Steve would be so self-conscious about the whole thing. He must've had to at least triple his calorie intake, if not more. Taller, more muscle mass... hell, even his bone structure would have to be different to support the increased weight. You could never tell by looking at him now that he was anything other than the strong, healthy human he is now.

For one brief moment, Jim wonders if Khan ever looked anything like this before becoming an Augment, and quickly shoves that thought back down where it belongs. Don't say that to Steve, Jim. "Those growing pains must've hurt like a bitch," he says instead, handing the picture back.

[juststeverogers]

"It wasn't pleasant. But I don't remember much of it. I was sort of dying at the time."

The only reason Khan's attack hadn't instantly killed him was because he hadn't considered Steve Rogers to be a threat. He'd only attacked the man at all for being the one to carry the holo transmitter Ghost had made to distract Khan and get him out into the open.

It wouldn't be the first time or the last he's nearly died for his beliefs, friends, and world. Steve doesn't regret the choice, even if sometimes he sees those pictures. Those sketches.

"Sometimes I don't feel like I'm me. This body isn't mine, you know? It's difficult to explain. It's one of the reasons I train so much. I always feel like I'm trying to adjust to someone else's reach."

[boldygoing]

Dying. Yet another thing that Jim wishes he didn't know as well as he does, the source of countless nightmares over the past year, even before the whole Halloween clusterfuck. But Steve seems like he's handling it okay, enough that he can talk about it a little anyway. Not that Jim is eager to press him for the details. That kind of shit is strictly volunteer-only, and for damn good reason.

There's a lot about Khan's invasion that Jim still doesn't know and probably never will, but honestly, he's kind of fine with that. He's seen what one Augment is capable of already; his imagination can do the rest, thanks very much. No need to pry into someone else's trauma just to get confirmation of shit he's already guessed at, not unless it ever becomes tactically relevant, and he hopes to God it never is again.

Moving on is a small mercy. Jim may not have any personal experience with the kind of dysphoria Steve is talking about, but it's not hard to grasp the idea. The guy basically doubled in size overnight, it'd be more a surprise if that didn't mess with his head a bit. "Muscle memory biting you in the ass, huh. You ever forget how strong you are now?" he asks as he seeks out the wrist tape and begins wrapping his hands.

[juststeverogers]

"Not so much anymore. When it first happened though..."

Steve trails off with a furrow of his brow and focuses instead on setting up the punching bag in the corner of the room like it had been before. There were a few times he really hurt people without meaning to. Acting and working the USO might not have been what he wanted out of the army, but it might have done a lot of good. Letting him get used to his new body in Not a life or death environment.

"I broke a lot of stuff without meaning to." He settles on finally, with a small embarrassed smile. "The worst was getting stuck though. I couldn't slip around the way I used to and I wouldn't think. End up getting myself wedged somewhere stupid. God, Peggy laughed at me so much."

[boldygoing]

The mental image of Steve getting himself stuck in an awkward place like a cat trapping itself behind a bookshelf is enough to startle a laugh out of Jim. "I hope she didn't take too many pictures of you." They had photography back then, right?